The Number 1 Mindset You NEED to Have for a Successful Dating Life
If I asked you what the most important mindset is for you to have a successful dating life, what would you say?
Probably something along the lines of confidence or ambition, right?
And two months ago, that’s probably what I would have said too, but I’ve now realised that there’s something far more important.
But before I get to that, let’s start at the beginning…
For the last 6 months or so, I’ve been taking a break from dating. Partly due to life events and partly due to my focus being elsewhere; it’s been a pretty peaceful half-year.
But a few weeks ago, I decided I wanted to reopen that part of my life. However, for me, it’s never as simple as redownloading Tinder and starting to swipe.
Nope… just like when I start any new project, I have to approach it in the most nerdy way possible. If I’m going to shift my focus back to dating, I’m also going to see if there’s anything new I can learn to take my dating game to the next level.
And that leads me to the best booking on dating that I’ve ever read.
It’s called Models, by Mark Manson and it stands head and shoulders above most other dating and communication books available.
But to explain why, we first need to understand how most dating experts usually approach the problem.
The Outside-in Approach
Most experts on men’s dating and pickup focus on tactics. They focus on what to say and how to say it. They focus on the external (outside) methods that you can use to impress the people you’re dating.
But according to Models, this is totally backwards. It’s like treating a symptom rather than the underlying cause. Treating a stutter, rather than the anxiety that’s causing it. Instead, you should focus on the inside first and let that take care of everything else.
What this means is, rather than worrying about your opening line when you approach a pretty girl at the bar, put time and effort into the internal stuff.
Work on your lifestyle. Make sure you’re living in a way that’s productive, high-value, and authentic to you. Work on your anxieties, fears, and communication skills.
Not only is placing the focus here more productive because it’s something you have more control over, but it’s also indicative of somebody who’s high value.
Think about it - you’re putting yourself first. You’re doing what’s best for you without worrying about what anyone else thinks.
But all of this leads me into my biggest takeaway.
There’s 1 powerful (yet simple) mindset that Models recommends developing, and I firmly believe it to be one of the most impactful changes you could make in pursuit of a more successful dating life.
It’s vulnerability.
But Isn’t Being Vulnerable a Weakness?
Unfortunately, that’s how most men view it and I’m no exception. Even as I was reading, I felt a visceral negative reaction to Mark’s suggestion:
“What do you mean I should be vulnerable? That’s for the weak. I’m a strong man and strong men don’t have vulnerabilities.”
Don’t worry, the irony wasn’t lost on me - to react like that IS a weakness - a fear of being vulnerable. And this is something that an overwhelming majority of men experience.
The pressure to be strong creates a fear of being weak. But that’s exactly why this is so important.
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable means showing yourself completely to others. It means allowing people to see your strengths, weaknesses, and quirks, all without fear of judgement.
In this sense, being vulnerable is the greatest expression of strength there is - you don’t need the approval of anyone else. You are who you are.
And this makes even more sense when we look at it from an evolutionary psychology perspective too.
Whether we look at tribal humans from thousands of years ago or other pack mammals, the behaviour tends to be pretty consistent.
The alpha or leader is rarely worried about protecting himself. On the contrary, he’ll usually remain calm in tense situations and use body language that opens him up to attack, whether it’s standing front on (which presents a larger target) or lifting his chin up high (opening the neck to attack).
Generally speaking, the most powerful man in the tribe or the alpha in the wolf pack chooses to expose himself as a reminder to everyone else that he has nothing to fear.
It’s vulnerability coming from a place of strength - something all badasses should work towards in general. And according to Models, it’s just as important in dating.
Choosing to Be Vulnerable is Non-Needy
There’s no bigger sin in the dating world than being needy. No faster way to ruin a potentially incredible relationship than allowing yourself to be too invested too early.
And that’s exactly what vulnerability aims to cure. After all, what better way to express your confidence and lack of neediness than being 100% yourself. It says:
“This is me. Take it or leave it. Either way, I’ll be fine.”
You’re showing people that you don’t need their approval because you already have your own. Which is why, throughout the book, Mark often refers to vulnerability as non-needy behaviour.
After all, needy behaviour almost always comes from a deeply rooted feeling that we’re not good enough. Choosing to be vulnerable is telling the world that you are good enough.
So, the message here is simple: Choose to be yourself. Choose to be vulnerable.
It’ll help you reach a way more successful dating life, but I’d argue there’s an even more important benefit. It’ll improve your relationship with yourself. And that’s badass.